Paint Me The Way That I Am Chapter 3

His warm, sticky hand covered my mouth and my body squirmed underneath his as I went to scream, but nothing came out, as if my vocal cords had been severed. Seemingly like a metaphor for my life; all I wanted to do was scream but as hard as I tried…nothing came out and no one could hear me.
"Do as I say, honey," James said and he lowered his mouth to mine.
That's when I woke up.
"Fuck that," I said as I got out of bed not even glancing at the clock; the darkness outside giving away the time. I opened my window and stuck my head out feeling the coolness of the air wrap around my face. I breathed in and grabbed my sweatshirt before jumping out onto the roof that was just below the window. Once reached the ground, I ran, my feet knowing exactly where I was going.
I hadn't been to my spot since the morning Jasper had found me. I shook my head, not wanting to think about it again.
When I finally got to the ladder leading up to the railroad tracks, I stopped when I heard footsteps above me.
Oh yeah, I shared this place with Jasper I thought to myself.
I turned around swiftly knowing that I needed to go somewhere else. I needed to be alone; go somewhere where I could rock myself to the silence that surrounded me.
"Alice?" I heard behind me.
Damnit.

I had to turn around…if I didn't I would look pretty ridiculous and knowing how he seemed to be, Jasper would only come running after me.
As he lightly jogged towards me, it was clear he had also just crawled out of bed and came here. He wore thick black rimmed glasses and had on black sweatpants and a blue hoodie; his hair was in a tiny ponytail.
"Everything okay?" he asked me as he approached.
I shrugged and stuffed my hands into the pockets of my gray sweatshirt. "Why do you care?" I asked him. It wasn't that I was trying to be a bitch about it, but he was dating Maria, at least I think that was her name. I couldn't see any reason for him to give a damn.
"You don't have to tell me, I just figured I would be nice…you know…that thing that friends do?" he responded.
"Why, because we are friends now or something?" I snapped back, instantly regretting my words. He lifted his eyebrow at me and smirked.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, it has been a really bad morning and I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." Why did I care?
He shuffled his feet. "Why didn't you call me then?"
It wasn't his words that made me feel like he cared; it was the honesty that struck me.
He walked me home, only after I insisted I did not need his accompaniment but it was Jasper so of course he followed me home.
"You know, Alice, Maria and I aren't really dating," Jasper said as we turned onto my neighborhood's street.
Oh? I thought. "Oh, uh okay," I said unsure as to why he was telling me that.
We said our quick goodbyes, and that was it. I snuck back in the house and tiptoed into my room only wanting to return to sleep. I hadn't even been able to think but it didn't matter anymore.

x.x.x

It was Friday and it was finally the fucking weekend. Christine had been bugging the shit out of me to come to one of her parties, and I was finally going. My parents were finally going to be gone for the weekend, and as far as I was concerned, so was I.
"Where the mother-fuck have you been, Alice Brandon?" I heard as soon as I stepped into the doorway of the dirty, musty and cluttered apartment belonging to Catherine's boyfriend. As I crossed the threshold it was as though there was a cloud, and as I passed through it, I was hit with the all too familiar smell of weed and cigarette smoke; I was home.
My eyes quickly followed the voice that had greeted me and they landed on Gary, the man who supplied almost every drug known to man.
I shrugged at him and watched as he took a slow drag from the blunt in his hand. I suddenly wanted it so badly; I could taste it in my mouth and feel the smoke inching down my throat. He must have seen my staring and he held it out. "Hit it, babe," he said to me.
Without any hesitation, I walked over to him and stuck it in between my lips, taking a pull on it. I held it in without a second thought. Exhaling, I took another hit, and then another. I didn't want to waste anytime getting high.
I felt myself smile as I handed the blunt back to him and I walked through the house searching for Christine. Knowing exactly where to find her, I went to the kitchen where sure enough there she was, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
I could feel the music pulsate from my toes to my lips and as they vibrated, the room felt like a body of water and I was the rock falling into it making a ripple effect. I closed my eyes for a moment and I started to feel the familiar weed induced haze that took over my mind.
When I opened my eyes, Christine's boyfriend, Marcus, had his hands wrapped around her waist, and they were moving to the music in a drunken manner.
I watched them silently, amazed in the way they moved. I wasn't sure how long I had been standing there, minutes, or hours but she finally looked over at me and smiled, handing me her bottle of vodka. I wasted no time and began to drink straight from the bottle.
Soon I was drunk, high and swaying by myself to the music. But I wasn't alone for long.
I jumped at his contact, but taking another swig of the alcohol made me not give a damn. I wasn't myself anymore. I was an empty body with an even emptier soul. As I swung to the music and felt his hands snake up my body, I surrendered myself to the alcohol and felt nothing.
It was as though I blacked out temporarily because when I came to, I found myself alone with him. I was in a room, on a bed with him on top of me; his lips hot on my neck and his hand between my legs.
I nodded, not really knowing what I was giving permission to but suddenly his dick replaced his hand and he was grunting into my ear. I couldn't lie and say that it felt bad, because it felt fucking good…but it was all wrong at the same time.
My eyes scanned around the dark room hunting for the bottle of vodka to take away my thoughts, but as I began to regain my senses, I abruptly realized where I was.
Suddenly I felt my arms move, pushing him away. However, he pushed harder into me. "I'm almost there honey," he said, in a disgruntled voice. With one last thrust, he was thrown over the edge. The full weight of his body pressed down on me. He was spent, breathing hard; the scent of alcohol and sex heavy in the room.
Honey.
"No!" I said forcefully and he got off me with a confused look on his face. I looked at him apologetically. "Sorry," I said to him, wondering why I was making excuses and making myself more confused.
He got up putting his boxers and jeans back on. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you girls," he said walking to the door shaking his head in obvious confusion and frustration. He turned back to me as I pulled my shirt back on. "Oh and by the way, I forgot to use a condom." And then he walked out.
Unable to register what he just said, I stood up, trying to keep my balance as I put my clothes back on.
I needed to get out of there. I didn't even bother buttoning my jeans before running outside, grabbing a jacket I found on the floor.
After I was far from the house, I stuck my finger down my throat, gagging myself in an effort to rid my body of the alcohol I had consumed. Disgusted, I wiped my mouth and went to the main road to travel my fifteen-minute walk home.
When I got home, I busted through the door, collapsing onto the floor heavily. I felt the blood as soon as my teeth bit down on my lip during my fall.
"Fuck!" I said, to empty space as I brought my sweater to my lips hoping to stop the bleeding.
I scooted to the wall and leaned against it willing myself to come to. My high pretty much gone, and most of the alcohol out of my system, I tried to remember what happened. The night was a blur, and as I glanced at the hallway clock, I realized I was at Marcus' house for over five hours.
Everything was a haze but one thing was vivid, I had sex with someone. The thought of it made me vomit into my mother's favorite vase. He had been the first person I had let touch me anywhere since James.
I hated myself as I realized I couldn't even remember what his face looked like. It had been a quick and hard fuck.
Then the words came to me.
"I forgot to use a condom."
No matter how desperate James and I had been when our relationship was willing, we had always remembered to use protection.
I shuddered knowing I was more than likely filled with diseases and probably now a baby.
Looking around at the dark lonely hallway, I started to cry, no…sob.
Not sure what I was looking for, I ran into the kitchen, knocking things over as I went. I looked to my right and saw our collection of cutlery. My mind scattered with ideas, but right next to it was my cell phone, which I had placed there earlier.
"Jasper," I said aloud, in astonishment.
My fingers flew as they found his name in the address book and I clicked send. My hand was shaking so violently that I needed both hands to hold the phone to my ear.
The phone rang four times before I heard his voice on the other end.
"Alice?" he said in a groggy voice. I forgot that most people would be asleep at 4 am, but it didn't matter.
"I need you, I can't be alone tonight," I said quickly, wincing at my words.
I heard something shuffling, and then he spoke. "Are you ok?"
I so desperately wanted to give him the answer I had been giving everyone the past few months but I couldn't. It was as though my lips could no longer form the words together. I felt more tears reach my eyes as I spoke into the phone. "No."
I heard him say something about coming over but the phone slipped from my hand as though it was slick with oil. I crashed to the floor along with the phone and curled up into a ball.
He found me on the kitchen floor beneath the counter, rocking back and forth, crying. He asked me if he could pick me up, somehow seeming to sense as to why I didn't let anyone touch me. I allowed myself to lean into him as he walked up the stairs to my room.
"How did you get inside?" I asked speaking into his shirt.
"The door was wide open. Don't worry, I locked it behind me when I came inside," he said as he reached my door, kicking it open with his foot.
He set me down on my bed and he wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. Being careful, he sat down next to me and put his hands in his lap.
We sat there in silence for a while and then he spoke. "Did anyone hurt you?" he asked.
I contemplated my answer. "Tonight?" I asked, because really there were different answers for different days.
He nodded and I answered, "No, not tonight."
Nodding, he lightly put his hand on top of mine and I let out an uncontrollable whimper.
"Jasper, I am so broken," I said with a sob. He turned towards me and went to put his hand to my cheek, hesitating but when I didn't pull away, he continued.
Cupping my face he said, "Let me help you put yourself back together then, darlin."
I nodded and put my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me.
"Tell me what happened," he whispered, even though were alone in this big empty house.
And for the first time in years I allowed myself to share a piece of me with someone. With the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, and the scent of his skin, I felt something so foreign to me, hope.
A/N Okay, so it has been way too long since I have updated! And I am so sorry! School was crazy this semester and now I am on break…thankfully. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this…a million thanks to my beta Monica!