“I find no peace, and all my war is done, I fear and hope, I burn and freeze like ice. I fly above the wind, yet can I not arise, and naught I have, and all the world I seize on.”
-Sir Thomas Wyatt the Elder.
They were easy to hide; the bruises on my arms. I could simply wear a sweatshirt or a long sleeved shirt to cover them up and no one would ever really notice.
However, the bruise on my eye and the cut on my lip could not be covered up no matter how hard I tried, regardless of how much make up I put on my face. The black and purple shades were unforgiving and would undoubtedly divulge my dirty little secret.
My stories of falling down the stairs or running into a door were useless excuses at this point; justifications I’ve used too many times in the past. My co workers at the music store I worked at were starting to take notice. The abuse was not only physical but there was a deep emotional assault on my soul. I was broken, and they could do nothing but stand silently by only taking note that with each passing day I came into work with one less piece of me.
All because I said no.
His hands gripped my arms and then my face as I tried to escape. It was not the first time and frankly I was now almost deadened to it. However after this last time I had finally had enough, I couldn’t stand it any longer.
That night after he had fucked me, as he was sleeping, I quietly snuck out. I only had time to grab my sweatshirt. I zipped it up all the way, pulling down at the sleeves and then quickly putting my hood up over my long black hair like a shroud.
I walked in my front door and was greeted by my father. I allowed him see my beaten face and I let him wake my mother up. She hugged me as she cried into my shoulder.
He was arrested that night; but not for raping me.
My parents thought it would destroy me to go into court and to testify against him. Sadly it wasn’t my mental wellbeing they were trying to protect; rather it was keeping my social status intact that was their main concern. My precious fucking reputation.
He had apparently woken up after I left and had another girl take my place in his bed. Someone complained about a disturbance, most likely with the girl.
The cops grabbed him and of course he tried resisting; he was James fucking Newton. No one fucked with him. But his time was up and he was now behind those rusty bars. I was assured by my parents that he wouldn’t be bothering me anymore…I had no choice but to believe them.
What they didn’t tell me, and what I later learned, was he would be out before I knew it. And who knew what he would be capable of after this. He was volatile under the best of circumstances and this would just add fuel to the fire.
The night I came home from being hit was the first time I felt like my parents actually acknowledged me. That quickly passed though and they were back to there old selves. My mother came home from work the very next day with several different brands of makeup, handed it all to me and said “Fix your face up before people see.”
I was literally shattered at that point into a million pieces, broken; and all my mother could worry about was how I was perceived by others. Fuck her.
My parents, especially my mother were both social climbers. They cared entirely too much about other people’s opinion. They believed what other people said and thought about you was the ultimate power. Their perception made you either a pile of shit or a pile of gold. And of course they expected me to be the same. For the first ten years of my life I was thrown out into the world wearing perfect clothes, always with perfect hair and perfect everything. Our house was extravagant and that’s the way my parents like it. They felt complete; all I felt when I looked at it was suffocated.
Of course I wasn’t going to put up with that kind of shit. So I started dressing how I wanted to and doing my hair and makeup as I pleased. It was fantastic because it totally pissed them off.
By the time I was sixteen I had perfected my look; long layered black hair, dark skinny jeans and a t-shirt of my choice. If I had a nickel for every time my mother gave me a nasty disapproving look, I would be fucking rich.
At age seventeen I met James. He was the guy that everyone seemed to know in high school but no one could have. He was perceived as unattainable so when he asked me out one night, I couldn’t say no and suddenly my life was transformed into something I didn’t recognize.
Our nights were filled with sex and drugs. I very rarely slept at my house, my parents too naïve and absent to even notice.
My dad was always at work. He was a well known Psychologist in the town of Seattle and my mom owned a small boutique right down the road from my dad.
My friends at school were limited because I completely immersed myself in him. Consequently they didn’t matter much because at the end of the day, those people didn’t exist. It was just us. I would, and I did, do anything for him. I found myself doing things I never envisioned myself doing. But he said it was all for us and that it would be ok; I had to believe him right?
The next day, after my mom had put on an “I care for my daughter” show for anyone who would listen, she felt the need to blatantly tell me it was my fault for being raped. That I shouldn’t have been in his apartment and I shouldn’t have associated myself with those people. Rather I should dress prettier and wear nicer makeup because how I currently looked every day gave boys the wrong impression.
I wanted to die.
Everything that had mattered to me in some way or another had been taken away from me.
I never had my parents, not really.
My boyfriend, whom I was ridiculously addicted to, was gone even though it was for good reason.
The only friend I even had was Christine, who was sadly in the same situation as I was. Although my parents did at least make an attempt at pleasantries, her parents didn’t even talk to her at all.
Come to find out, it didn’t matter whom I did or didn’t associate with in my messy past because a week after James was convicted, they informed me I would be switching schools. You see, we lived in Forks, Washington but I didn’t attend school there.
Up until now my parents dropped me off every day at a school that was just inside of Seattle and let me tell you that place was fucking hell.
The girls were prissy and I didn’t get along with my teachers so I was mildly relieved when they said I would be attending Forks High School.
However, it would be in the middle of the school year.
I would be the new girl.
Just fucking great….
I didn’t want to do this…
It was a week before I was going to start at FHS and here it was, 4:39 a.m. and I’m unable to go back to sleep. Tossing and turning, the images of James were haunting me in my dreams and I knew then it was a fruitless exercise. I thought about calling someone to talk, because that’s what I needed, someone to listen and just tell me what to do. But I knew deep down that was meaningless. I didn’t think anyone could help me at this point. When I took a breath, it felt as if there was a ten pound weight on my chest.
In and out I breathed, but the pain never ceased. One time someone, anonymous to me, suggested to the school counselor I needed someone to confide in. What monumental waste of their time and mine that was. The counselor kept droning on about some bullshit; being the better person and proving to my parents their views of me are skewed. Fuck him and fuck my parents. I knew them and understood regardless of what I did, I would never be good enough. I would never truly measure up. Nothing I did was enough for them and their friend’s expectations.
He finally gave up, like everyone else had with me, and told me if I ever needed to talk his door was always open; I slammed it on the way out of my last session. Fuck him and all his psychobabble bullshit.
xxxxxxxxx
I looked over at my nightstand and stuck my hand beneath the drawer to feel around my secret compartment. I couldn’t remember if I had enough coke under there to get me through most of my day or not and sure enough I came up empty handed.
With James gone my connection to drugs was also not available anymore. I made a mental note to myself to call Christine to see if she had anything extra.
I wasn’t addicted to drugs. I knew this because I could fully function without them, but they took the pain away. When I was on coke or even after smoking just a little bit of weed, my world wasn’t full of hate and I didn’t feel pain. I was numb and that was good.
Fuck I needed a fix right now, and I needed to think. So I decided I would go to my spot. It was this old set of abandoned railroad tracks that sat over top one of the many rivers in Forks, Washington. No one bothered me here. This was probably because I hadn’t told anyone about it. It was the only thing I could still call my own.
So before anyone woke up, I crawled out of bed, slipping a sweatshirt on over my tank top and I grabbed my converse as I walked out the door.
The walk to my spot was only fifteen or so minutes, and I got there just as the sun was beginning to rise.
I climbed the old ladder that was used to get to the top of the railroad tracks. When I got up there, I had to remind myself to watch out for the piece of wood that I always seemed to trip over.
I went to the ledge that looked out on the water and sat down, dangling my feet over the edge.
I took a deep breath in of the fresh air and slowly exhaled. There was something so peaceful and surreal about the view and the clean air here. I felt as though I was outside of my body almost as if I wasn’t really there at all, rather I was having an out of body experience. It was exhilarating.
This sudden euphoria allowed me to open my mind and finally stop pushing back what had been on my mind for months. At last I let my mind take its course. I knew with me gone, my parents would be able to live the life they had wanted to from the beginning.
No one would miss me. I wouldn’t have to start a new school and be surrounded by more people who wouldn’t understand me. They would make their own assumptions about me regardless. I would be known as the depressed rich girl whose parents forced her to go to a public school.
I couldn’t just run away. My parents would make sure to find me because good parents wouldn’t have lost their only daughter to the streets. They sure as hell would make certain no one thought it was their fault. My parents would exhaust every resource to find me and then I would be back to square one.
So why not just end it here? I would no longer be their fuck up of a daughter, and they could go on with living their lives never having to fake giving a damn about me again.
I could do it here. It was so peaceful, my last image would be of the sun rising and reflecting off of the water. It was the only place that made me truly happy. Dying wouldn’t be a sad thing. I would surrender willingly to the water and hopefully feel no pain.
I stood up putting my hair into a pony tail. I laughed at myself, did that even matter?
It was then, as I stood there motionless when a new sensation washed over me….I couldn’t help but feel as though I had been transformed. I was no longer Alice. I was simply someone who was trying to find her place somewhere else. Because here and now was not for me, not anymore.
Did I need to take my clothes off? No, that didn’t make sense either.
I looked around once more making certain I was alone. I wrapped my arms around my small frame and took another deep and weighty breath. My ribs still hurt from James, I cringed at the memory. It fueled my resolve to commit. My ultimate incentive; finally finding the inner peace I had been searching for.
I stepped back and walked towards the middle section of the tracks where the water was deeper. I crawled behind the bar that was placed there as a barrier and worked my way to the other side. My back was facing the water, and then I turned around so I was flush against the barrier, my arms behind me.
I looked at the water, and was intimidated at first. So much water below me; but it was ok. It was going to help me finally be free. I took a deep breath, intentionally to make my ribs hurt, to remind myself why I was here. I was here for myself, at last taking control, making a conscience decision to finally let go. Unlike so many other things in my life, it was my choice, on my terms…my way in the end. Fuck them…
My heart was racing, my hands shook, and my breathing quickened….a single tear stained my cheek.
This is it Alice, I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and let my mind go blank. I let go with one of my arms and felt the sensation of having my weight hanging over the edge. Ready to finally be at peace….prepared to enjoy the silence
My fingers started to slip on the bar and I was about to surrender to it when I felt a hand wrap around my wrist, preventing me from falling.
“You really don’t want to do that ma’am.” I heard a composed voice say behind me.
My instinct was to scream but I turned around suddenly being pulled away from my dreamlike state. I grabbed a hold of the bar behind me, gripping it tightly.
“Here, give me your hand and I’ll help you back through, ok?” He said calmly extending his hand.
I looked at his hand and then at his face, just now taking him in. He had curly blond hair and his eyes were a beautiful shade of piercing blue. There was something so calming about his features and I couldn’t help but to reach out to his hand and let him help me.
Immediately I was alarmed because I feared he would want to know what I was about to do. He would insist on walking me home and who knows what he would say to my parents. Unbridled fear ripped through me.
Oh God, I had just almost killed myself. The realization of this was paralyzing. My parents would want to put me into some insane asylum. They would do it too, in a heart beat, rather than have anyone find out their precious little girl tried to end her life. My plan had been severely flawed. I hadn’t made room for contingencies: at least not for anything or anyone like this.
I slipped my body underneath the bar and then stood up to face him. His hand was still clasped around my wrist and I looked down at it. “Listen, you can let go I’m not going to do anything to myself, I promise.” I said, not even sure why I was giving him an explanation.
He released my hand slowly and then he looked at my arm, which was exposed slightly from my sleeves riding up on my sweatshirt. I quickly pulled my sleeve down hoping he hadn’t just seen the telling bruises.
“Ok, well uh, I am going to go home now. Thanks again for uh, that.” I said not knowing what to say but positive if I said the wrong thing, the worst would happen and my parents would know.
“Actually, miss, why don’t you let me walk you home?” He said politely.
“I’m fine, honestly. You don’t need to worry about me.” I’m not worth it, I thought.
He looked at me with his head cocked to the side, “Are you sure because really, I can walk you home. I think I would feel better knowing you got home safely. Although I don’t even know your name, I do believe you when you say you won’t do anything. However, where I come from, men walk the ladies home.”
He wasn’t going to quit was he? His thick accent sent chills through me and immediately gave away he was from the south. I didn’t know much about southerners but from what I could tell they were always very courteous. I knew if I said no we would be here for hours with him trying to convince me otherwise.
I was about to answer him when he interrupted. “I have an idea, how about we start over? I’m Jasper.” He said extending his hand out to mine.
I unfolded my arms, which had instinctively become like a protective barrier around myself, and stuck my hand out to meet his. “Alice.” I said simply.
His smile was kind and I felt as though an enormous weight fell off of my shoulders. Why was this stranger being so nice to me? He knew nothing about me, beside the fact just moments before I had almost killed myself.
And with that we started walking.
The silence between us was awkward and I wanted to break it but I had no idea where to start. Should I thank him for saving me from doing something that was so monumentally life altering? Who am I kidding, ultimately life ending. What had he been doing there anyways? Over all the years that I had been sneaking out of my room to go think I had never once seen anyone there. Let alone hear of anyone talking about my spot.
“So why were you at the railroad tracks anyways?” I asked, suddenly realizing I was speaking.
He grinned and put his hands in his back pockets of his blue jeans. “I needed a place to think. So I followed a path off the side of the road and I ended up where you were.” He looked at me. “Do you go there a lot?”
I shrugged “Yeah I mean until you showed up I didn’t think anyone knew about it. It was somewhere I could go to think and not be interrupted.” I said, almost immediately regretting my choice of words.
“Well I will try and remember that so I don’t bug you again.” He said with a slight grin.
Well fuck, now I felt bad. “No, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s a free country, it’s not like I own it or anything.” Changing the subject quickly, trying to show him that I wasn’t a complete cold hearted bitch, “So how old are you Jasper?” Smooth, Alice.
Jasper told me he was 18 and a senior in High School. When I asked him where he went to school, his answer made me nervous. “I go to Forks High School, and you?” He asked, and I didn’t really know what I was expecting. It wasn’t like our town was big and you had your selection of schools to attend. I knew I hadn’t seen him before at my old school, but to think I was about to enter a new school and the only person I would “know”, had already gleaned way too much personal information about my life.
“Actually, I am starting school at Forks High on Monday.” I said instantly angry that I revealed my secret.
He looked at me suddenly, “Oh really?” He stated.
I really didn’t want the pity party that would undoubtedly come with me being the new girl. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me and force all of his friends to act like they care about me on the first day of school. I didn’t need them or that.
Thankfully, we reached my house and I turned to him. “Here’s my house, I’m going to go so thank you again for walking me home and talking I guess.” I said, feeling weird.
“No problem Alice.” He said, and I started up the walkway to my front door when I heard him call out.
“Listen, Alice I know you don’t know me very well and I may not have any room to say this. But I want you to know I can be here for you, and if you want to talk about anything, all you have to do is call. Forks is a small town, and there is only one Whitlock family in the phonebook. I also happen to only live two blocks over. So give me a call ok?” He asked sincerely with a serious expression on his face.
I nodded and awkwardly slipped out a ‘thanks’ and snuck back inside.
The walk up to my room was bizarre. I was half surprised I had let someone, a total stranger to me; take control of my life for what was a small yet significant fraction of time. He had prevented me from hurting myself. This stranger ultimately changed the course of my life.
I reached my room and entered it, shutting the door carefully so as not to make any noise. I looked around at my messy room and sighed. Jasper, whoever he was, had saved my life today. I walked over to my bed, exhausted, kicking the clothes out of my way and settled into my bed.
I pulled the covers over my head and curled up into a tight ball and was shocked at the wave of emotions that seemed to hit me all at once. My adrenaline had long worn off and I felt anger, sadness, grief and an emotion that I hadn’t experienced in a very long time: hope.
It was a fleeing sensation as my hope vanished when I looked down at my arms and saw the familiar shades of purples and yellows from the night before. That’s when I came to the realization there was something that had wounded me much deeper than any of the scars ever could. Worse than anything I would physically ever endure; no one could help me. I was utterly and completely alone…
A/N Well SURPRISE! This is my new WIP. Breathing Again is over and I love writing too much to not keep it up. This idea came to my head awhile ago. I am head over heels in love with Jasper, and I feel like there aren’t too many stories with him in it! So I thought I would try this out. So many thanks to people. Especially to Monica, you seriously make writing so much better! You have such great ideas and your beta’ing is just amazing!
Chapter two is almost written and will be up sometime soon. Thank you for reading, and please leave your thoughts and comments!
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