Paint Me The Way That I Am Chapter Two

"Your precious heart, broken and scarred, somehow you made it through"

My father never hit me. Looking back over the years with my parents, there really was never physical abuse but the verbal and mental abuse was abundant. The emotional shit cut me the deepest. I had given up hope long ago on having any meaningful relationship with my mom; there were too many years of her neglect and hatred towards me. I knew I would never have a true mother. However, when it came to my dad, I used to have a glimmer of hope, once upon a time.
My dad was a psychologist, and he was good at his job or so I assumed since he was always busy with his patients. He owned his private practice with my uncle, his brother. My dad treated the bulk of the patients. He saw patients during the week and my uncle treated patients on the weekends. So that meant that my dad was ours on the weekend right?
Wrong.
He immersed himself in his work constantly. I had to plan ahead of time in order to have any semblance of quality time with him. This took me years to figure out, and by the time I did, our relationship was beyond repair.
It had been about seven years ago and I had landed the supporting role in the play we were doing at school. I didn't have a big part at all, but those three lines I did have meant the world to me. When I went home to tell my parents, my mother simply said in a hurry out the door, "Honey, I think you should look into cheerleading, theater is just so ordinary." I hated when she called me honey, there was no meaning behind the word, and whenever my teacher or anyone would say that word to me, it would make my cringe.
When my father had gotten home that night, I ran to him, giving him his welcome home hug, it was our ritual. "Dad! I got a role in the play, and the director gave me lines!" I said enthusiastically, deeply hoping someone would give me a reaction.
He smiled briefly and congratulated me.
"Will you be there?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't give me the answer I didn't want to hear.
But, without even thinking, he answered, "Wouldn't miss it for the world munchkin."
I was thrilled! I remember telling myself to not get my hopes up. My father had never really come to anything of mine and had used the same excuses every time. "I got tied up at the office." But this time, I had a feeling he would be there. He had assured me and he would never break a promise.

The month leading up to the debut of the play, I cherished those lines and carried them around carefully. I made sure that I knew how to say them, and what the lines were before my own so I would be prepared. The day of the performance, my stomach was full of butterflies. I couldn't do anything but think about that night. When it came time for lunch all I could muster to eat was an apple. At recess I sat on one of the swings, willing myself to not throw up.
Later on that night, a half an hour before the show started, I was all dressed in my outfit and my makeup and hair had been done. I held the piece of paper that contained my lines, close to my chest being careful to not lose them just in case I needed a last minute look through.
One of my friends and cast mates, Cassie, came running up to me, a bouquet of colorful flowers in her hand. "Alice, look at what my parents brought me!" she said enthusiastically.
I smiled and looked at them, seeing almost every bright color I knew in the arrangement. "Those are so pretty! I bet my daddy brought me some!"
"Want to go see the audience? I heard a lot of people talking behind the curtain!" She said excitedly already taking off towards the back of the curtain.
I ran after her, not sure if I could stomach the site of the people before going out on stage. "Girls, come back really quick, you have five minutes!" Our teacher, who was also the director, said to us as we ran by.
We hurried to the curtain and when we got to it, the murmur of voices made me nervous yet curious. She made a small gap through the curtain and we looked out. "There are so many people!" She said turning back to me.
"Let me see!" I heard myself say. I peeked out looking around the audience. Almost every seat was full with family and friends of my cast mates. I let my eyes search to the seat I had gotten my dad. I expected to see him sitting there with flowers and a smile on his face. But when I got to his chair, it was completely empty.
I turned back to Cassie and said, "My dad's not here." I said to her.
She looked up at me from her flowers, "I bet he is just running late Alice, he still has a few minutes. Come on, we better get going or Mr. Frank is going to kill us for being late!"
I nodded my head, believing her words and went to the other room where the cast was gathering.
My part wasn't supposed to happen until the second half of the play, and I spent my time reading my lines, over and over. I knew them backwards and forwards and was excited to show off all of my hard work to my dad.
Finally, my time came and I entered the stage. There were a few lines before mine and I did something that I shouldn't have; I looked out into the audience. I had to see my dad and once I did, I knew that I could go on.
It didn't take long to spot his seat since it was the only empty one in the house.
My heart froze; he wasn't here. It was well into the second half of the play and I knew he had had plenty of time to get here and into his seat. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.
"Alice!" I heard someone whisper next to me. My eyes darted to the person in front of me.
"And where have you been Becca?" He said.
I knew this was my cue and by the look on his face, it wasn't the first time he had said it.
My thoughts scrambled together as I tried to remember what I needed to say and finally, with much delay, I replied.
As soon as I was finished with my lines, I walked far too fast off the stage. When I got through the curtain, I ran to the bathroom in the school and cried for the next half an hour.
That night after my mom had picked me up from the school play, I came to the stark realization there were three things I needed to cease immediately in order to survive; I needed not to feel, not to care, and not to hope.

XXX

It was, unfortunately Monday, and for me that meant my first day of school. I didn't want to go, not one bit, and I even contemplated skipping all together; no one would notice. Laying in bed, I stared at my ceiling counting the circles in the ceilings design.
Not that I gave a shit, but no one would know me. Well that wasn't entirely true. Jasper would be there and I wasn't quite sure how I felt seeing him after what he witnessed me almost doing. I was suddenly embarrassed all over again. What the fuck was I going to do when I saw him at school today? I didn't think I could look at him straight on without it being awkward. I took a deep breath and without exhaling, I held it just to see how long I could. The seconds passed on quickly and as I approached the minute mark I could feel a burning sensation in my chest. I needed air, but I didn't want it.
I started to feel light headed when I was interrupted by the sound of pounding coming from behind my door. "Alice Brandon, you will not be late for your first day, you don't need more people thinking you are a mess-up; you have enough already!" My mother said.
I let my breath out and quickly gasped for more air as I heard her heels clicking down the hallway. I stuck my middle finger out, wishing she could see me.
After I caught my breath, I threw my covers off and grabbed my towel I kept hanging on the back of my door and headed into the bathroom.
After my shower I threw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. My hair was messy with crazy waves that I left in without brushing it. Quickly I ran downstairs to grab water before heading out when I saw my mom sitting at our breakfast table, her smoothie in hand. Her disapproving eyes traveled all the way up from my chuck taylor's to my ragged hair.
"Alice, it is your first day of school, don't you want to make a better first impression?" She asked taking off of her glasses.
I rolled my eyes "See ya." I said and I was out the door.
As soon as I walked out my front door I put my hood up and looked around. It was, of course, raining and the last thing I needed was to walk into class soaking wet.
I got my keys out for my Saturn and got in, starting the engine within seconds. I used to be able to just walk to school but since we moved, I didn't live a few blocks away anymore and I had to drive my car. When I turned seventeen my parents didn't want to drive me around anymore so I had to my get my license. I didn't mind; it gave me the opportunity to get out more.
I pulled out of my driveway and immediately reached into the glove compartment. Without having to look, I found my pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, sliding it in-between my lips. I lit it swiftly and inhaled the smoke that brought a sense of calm to my nerves. Not that I was anxious about what people thought of me, because honestly I would never see these people after this school year so what did I care.
By the time I had arrived at school, I had already smoked three cigarettes. My mind was at ease and I felt calm stepping out the car. I stuffed my pack of cigarettes into the pocket of my hoodie and walked to the office.
The office was small and stuffy, smelling of burnt coffee. My eyes searched for a clue to where I was supposed to go, and when I saw the little table plaque saying "secretary" I walked over wanting to get this over with.
"Hi, I'm Alice Brandon; today's my first day here." I said to a very plump woman sitting behind a desk who was wearing an awful shade of pink. I averted my eyes from her shirt and looked at her face.
"Ah, Miss Brandon, we were expecting you. Here, you are going to have to fill out these forms. When you are done with those dear, I can go over your schedule with you."
I smiled at her in response and grabbed the small stack of papers and sat down in the seat across from her desk. The questions were simple, mostly asking about my performance in past schools. Twenty minutes later, I was finally finished. By then I felt like I could recite all of the questions in my head; they were mostly repeats. I walked over to her and handed her the papers.
"Ok, honey." She started
Ugh, don't call me that! I thought to myself.
She continued, "Here is your schedule, so why don't you look over it quickly and let me know if you have any questions. I am going to grab our office assistant so that they can show you were everything is. I'll be right back!"
Looking at my schedule, there wasn't anything that was a surprise. I had math, which I had already missed the majority of, historical studies, French, English and gym.
"Wonder how many different excuses I could use to get out of Gym?" I said out loud to myself.
"Alright, Alice, this is Bella Swan" She said as she came out from the back of the room. I looked up to see whom she was talking about; Bella was a small petite girl. She had huge brown eyes and brown hair that fell in waves. She was so plain looking yet there was something about her that was pretty.
"Hi Alice! I'm Bella." She said sticking out her hand. I took it hesitantly.
"Ok ladies, there are only about ten minutes left in this class so make sure you don't slack around." She said sitting back down behind her desk.
Bella nodded and led me out of the office and into the empty hallway.
"Ok, what do you want to see first Alice? Gym, cafeteria…there are so many exciting things here in this hell hole!" She said sarcastically.
I laughed, appreciating her sense of humor, totally not expecting it from her."Yeah, listen you don't need to walk me to my classes. I can find my way around here I am sure and I feel bad bothering you." I didn't mean to sound like I was blowing her off, but I felt weird having someone show me around.
She smiled, "Alice I really don't think you could ever bug me, besides, being an office assistant is a duty that needs to be fulfilled and I will not slack on that duty!" She said in a funny impression of a serious person.
"If you say so." I said pulling my sweatshirts sleeves down around my wrists.
She showed me the basics; the bathroom, the gym, the cafeteria and I was surprised that we had gotten through all of that before the bell rang. That just told you how small this school was.
'What classes do you have?" She asked as she started leading me to my locker.
I pulled out my schedule which was stuffed in my pants pocket and handed it to her.
"Hey, we have English together!" she said suddenly.
I nodded my head, "Well at least I will know someone!"
"And you have history with my boyfriend, Edward. He is a history genius so if you need any help let him know!"
Who names their kid 'Edward'? I thought to myself.
She went on quickly about the other classes I had with people I knew, and honestly I didn't think I would be able to remember all of the names.
"Well here you go, the bell is about to ring so I guess I will see you later in English! And hey, at lunch today, feel free to sit with us; I can introduce you to everyone!"
"Ok, uh, thanks Bella." I said turning my back and opening my locker.
The bell rang seconds later and soon I was off to History. It was of course boring but luckily I snagged a seat in the back of the room. I hated all of the looks I got. Everyone wanted to look at the new girl and suddenly, my mom's words ran through my head. Thankfully the class passed by quickly and it was lunch time. I headed into lunch with only my bottle of water…I didn't feel like eating today.
I instantly spotted Bella and recognized her boyfriend from my history class. I smiled slightly, feeling almost happy; something I wasn't aware I could feel on the first day of school. I started walked over to her when I noticed a very familiar person come and sit down next to Bella. He had on jeans and a black long sleeved shirt, his blond hair slightly shorter than it had been the first day I had seen him. I got that feeling again he had given to me that day on the bridge; hope. But then, as I was walking over, a girl with jet black hair came over and sat down next to him, pulling him into a kiss.
He had a girlfriend.
I should have known.
I stopped and Bella looked at me funny, and Jasper's eyes followed her gaze. I turned around quickly, hoping he hadn't just seen me and walked out of the cafeteria in hopes of somewhere to escape.
I walked around aimlessly until I found a sign that said "Exit to terrace". I pushed the door open and was welcomed by the cool fresh air.
Breathing it in deeply, I fished my cigarettes out of my pocket and put one in my mouth. I didn't even bother looking around when I lit it.
How could I allow myself to feel hopeful? Of course he had a girlfriend, and I felt foolish standing there thinking he might not. I should never have allowed myself to feel happy; it was only going to be a disappointment.
I was too lost in my thoughts to hear the door open and the voice behind me startled me, making me jump. I turned around, cigarette still in-between my fingers and came face to face with Jasper.
He shook his head, "You could get in a lot of trouble, you know." He said walking over to me with a smirk on his face.
I took a deep drag and exhaled, "It's what I do best."
A/N Please let me know what you think of this! I thrive on your reviews and opinions, and would love to know what you are all thinking about! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon! Thanks for reading! And as always, thank you Monica for your amazing beta abilities and ideas!